Are you secretly dreading your next piece of feedback? Do you find yourself going into defence mode the moment someone tells you something you don’t want to hear?
You’re not alone. And it’s not a character flaw. Your brain is literally wired to treat negative feedback as a threat, triggering a fight-or-flight response that makes it almost impossible to hear what’s actually being said. The result? You either shut down, go on the defensive, or walk away without extracting the really valuable data that could transform your career trajectory.
In this episode, Heather explores the art of receiving difficult feedback with intelligence and composure. And why your ability to do this well is one of the fastest accelerators on your path to partner. Inspired by a substack note from Maurizio Cuna, partner in the consulting arm of a global technology firm and author of Beyond Slides, this episode gives you the exact framework to turn even the most uncomfortable feedback conversation into career gold.
In this episode you will learn:
- How to manage your brain’s threat response so you can actually hear what’s being said instead of going into damage control
- Why vague feedback like “you need more gravitas” is useless, and the exact questions to ask to uncover the specific behaviours behind it
- How to keep digging to find out whether you’re dealing with an isolated incident or a deeper reputational issue that could be quietly killing your partnership chances
- The one email to send 24 hours after receiving difficult feedback that shows you’ve heard it, and actively involves the other person in your development
If you find this episode useful, don’t forget to like it and then subscribe so you don’t miss another episode.
You can also listen to this episode on Substack and on Apple Podcasts
The world of professional services, not just tax, is poor at giving and receiving feedback. Often it’s too vague or formulaic. However, being able to handle and learn from bad feedback is a key skill to moving your career forward. Heather Townsend, author of Poised For Partnership, explores how to receive bad feedback and then use it to your career advantage.
Why is receiving negative feedback so difficult?
Your brain sees negative feedback as a threat. So your brain goes into a threat state which triggers the fight or flight response. I.e. your sympathetic nervous system is now in control. As a result you become hyper focused on the threat. In the moment, it then becomes much harder to see the feedback for what it is, a moment in time to learn from.
What should you be doing “in the moment” as you receive the feedback?
When you receive the feedback the temptation will be to defend yourself or justify your actions. Remember this is the primaeval part of your brain responding as your ego has just taken a hit. Your aim at this point is to shut up and listen. You may need to mentally tell yourself to listen.
If you react by trying to justify your actions or suggesting they have got it all wrong, you are going to miss out on really valuable data about how you are coming across to others. This data could be invaluable. Which means you want them to be comfortable being open with you. That means you need to make it safe for them to do so. A good first response to any kind of feedback is to say “thank you for your feedback”. After all, all feedback is a gift. You just need to choose whether you are going to accept this gift or not.
You need the specific detail to come out
As mentioned at the start of this article, feedback from others in your firm is often too vague to be meaningful. For example, feedback such as “you need to be more confident” or “you need more gravitas” or “at your level I’d expect more” is difficult to address. What you need to do at this stage is find the specific behaviours or actions that have led to this feedback. So ask them, but in a way that doesn’t seem like a rebuttal or an attack. Remember you need to keep the conversation safe for them to tell you more.
“I would like to understand more about my lack of confidence so I can make the necessary changes. What specifically has given you this sense or feeling?”
Or, “if you thought I was being more confident, what would I have done differently?”
Then you need to be curious and keep digging until you and they have nailed what it was that led to their feedback.
You need ALL the bad feedback about you to be voiced
When you are hearing bad feedback, you are very unlikely to literally ask for more negative feedback. All you want to do is go away to lick your wounds rather than ask to be verbally punched a few more times. Whereas in this conversation you want to know everything that could damage you and your future career progression. For example, was this problem that they raised with you just the presenting problem? Or are there much deeper issues? After all, a damaged reputation is a career killer in a firm. It’s career gold dust if you have someone prepared to speak candidly to you about how you are perceived or behaving. This means keep on digging with the feedback they have for you. For example how about saying:
“Is this part of a wider problem?”
“Is there anything else I need to know about how I am coming across?”
“Have you or others seen me do anything else that is limiting my career or hampering my performance at work?”
Once you think you have got everything out, then you want to triage what they have given you. And, it’s worth asking them what they think is the most important thing to change first. For example,
“You’ve given me a lot to think about. In your opinion with the benefit of your experience, what is the most important piece of feedback you’ve given me that I need to act on first?”
What to do after receiving the feedback
Once you have received the feedback you have two choices, do nothing, i.e. reject their opinion or act on the feedback. Be aware that if someone has taken the time to give you high quality detailed feedback, they will be expecting you to act on it. They will notice if you don’t seem to act on it. This will either lead to negative conversations about you behind closed doors OR they wouldn’t be bothered to take the time to give you this quality of feedback in the future.
Now when people give you feedback it doesn’t always come in a way which is easy to take. Our brain tells us stories and can create different meaning from what was said and how it was said. At this point our brains are often swirling with unhelpful thoughts and emotions. If you have been working really hard and trying your best, getting this sort of feedback can feel demoralising and frustrating. What you don’t want to do at this stage is a character assassination of the person who gave you the feedback. For example: “they shouldn’t have said it that way”. That’s just your injured pride talking.
Once you have received the feedback your job is to move from emotional to rational. That means making sense of what you’ve heard.
A good way of doing this is to force your brain to be grateful. This could take the form of writing down 10 things that you are grateful for. Or taking the feedback and going:
I am grateful for getting this feedback because…
Once your brain has moved into a rational state, you can now properly work on the “so what” of what was said to you. The critique you’ve been given will come down to you having:
- A knowledge, skill or attitude gap.
- Or the perception of these. If this is a perception then this is a communication gap.
- A style mismatch
If the issue is a style mismatch this is possibly not fixable. For example, I am direct and honest. Culturally this didn’t fit with how my first employer, Procter and Gamble, used to work. For me, the solution was leaving that business. Now if your style or way of doing things is counter cultural to your firm the question you need to ask is whether this is a big thing or whether you are happy to adapt.
Demonstrate that you are coachable
Once you have digested and processed the feedback, you now need to take action. This means 24 hours after getting the feedback to send an email acknowledging the feedback with a short email that goes along the lines of:
Thank you for your feedback. I’ve spent time reflecting on it. My understanding is that I need to because . I’m going to over the next . .
It’s all too easy for people to do the equivalent of dumping and then running away when giving feedback. Whereas what you want the other person to do is to see that you have heard what they have to say AND are prepared to address the issue. This step is crucial for your reputation in the firm. It is far too easy for someone to say “I gave them this feedback and didn’t see any change”. So by involving them in your development it shows them you are making the changes.
Build an audit trail
Your email acknowledging the feedback is the first part of your audit trail. It’s a great detail to share in any performance review conversations you may have going forward. The next part of the audit trail is to get written feedback from others on how you are addressing the bad feedback you have received. This is important as bad feedback can linger around like a nasty smell. Whereas you want to visibly show that you acted on the feedback and have changed your approach or behaviour for the better.
In summary
Getting tough feedback is never easy to hear. But by being curious and open to feedback you can turn this feedback into an important career asset.
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Links
Are you secretly dreading your next piece of feedback? Do you find yourself going into defence mode the moment someone tells you something you don’t want to hear?
You’re not alone. And it’s not a character flaw. Your brain is literally wired to treat negative feedback as a threat, triggering a fight-or-flight response that makes it almost impossible to hear what’s actually being said. The result? You either shut down, go on the defensive, or walk away without extracting the really valuable data that could transform your career trajectory.
In this episode, Heather explores the art of receiving difficult feedback with intelligence and composure. And why your ability to do this well is one of the fastest accelerators on your path to partner. Inspired by a substack note from Maurizio Cuna, partner in the consulting arm of a global technology firm and author of Beyond Slides, this episode gives you the exact framework to turn even the most uncomfortable feedback conversation into career gold.
In this episode you will learn:
- How to manage your brain’s threat response so you can actually hear what’s being said instead of going into damage control
- Why vague feedback like “you need more gravitas” is useless, and the exact questions to ask to uncover the specific behaviours behind it
- How to keep digging to find out whether you’re dealing with an isolated incident or a deeper reputational issue that could be quietly killing your partnership chances
- The one email to send 24 hours after receiving difficult feedback that shows you’ve heard it, and actively involves the other person in your development
If you find this episode useful, don’t forget to like it and then subscribe so you don’t miss another episode.
Links
Beyond Slides by Maurizio Cuna: https://amzn.to/4sGon60
Maurizio’s Consulting Intel substack: https://newsletter.consultingintel.com
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